Sometimes flowers appear magically in the shop, and on other occasions you have to get up in the middle of the night and get them yourself. Should this need arise in your day to day life - here are my top tips.
1. Wake The Hound, probably the hardest part of the day, it involves a lot of coaxing, ringing of the doorbell and shouting - Cesar Millan would be horrified. I would apply to Dog Borstal, but I think that involves some sort of sleeping in a tent.
2. Get dressed, Suitable warm and stylish clothing (I am starting a club, florists against puffed up bodywarmers) accessorised with smudged mascara and tousled hair, all very Peaches Geldof. Make sure you turn on the big light so that you can see that you have picked up the top with the coffee stain over the left bosom before leaving the house - and not in the harsh strip light of market.
3. Load up van and head off, realise just at the point of the no return that you have forgotten the list.
4. Drive like a banshee, park and have a nice cup of dishwater from the free vend machine.
5. Pile trolley high with flowers, ribbons, and some plants, bruise right forearm.
6. Load up van with said purchases, being careful not to let the trolley plough into the van parked next to you, juggle The Hound who swears he just saw a squirrel and would like to investigate, being sure to get your heel caught under the trolley and cursing.
7. Head back to the shop, moderate the temperature of the van for The Hound, heating on a little, passenger window open sporadically throughout the journey.
8. Get stuck in a very large traffic jam caused by police closing the road, perform a 3 point turn, and head along another road that is equally jammed.
9. Realise that the journey is now going to take 3 times as long as normal, and The Hound's morning promenade will be cut short. The Hound realises this too, and tramples on a tray of herbs as revenge.
11. Return to shop, realising that you have forgotten important things on the list, mainly String and Raffia. Apologises to anyone who buys a hand tied bouquet, it will tied up with expensive french ribbon.
12. Spend the rest of the day, adjusting pinny to hide coffee stain, realise you have left hairbrush and makeup bag behind, so the smoky eyed bedroom hair look will have to stay. This strumpet thing is a self fulfilling prophecy.
13. Smile knowingly at the ladies that come in saying they would love to own a flower shop.
Todays show has been brought to you by the letter K and the song I'm Trouble by Pink