What a bitch

If people talk about me they normally say things like

That Miss Pickering is so sweet, such a lovely girl, marvellous manners and she has that beautiful dog.

That's because they don't read my tweets, or look deep enough into my eyes to see the murderous look i sometimes get. I try to keep this side of me hidden, but sometimes even i, sweet Miss P. can just be a plain old bitch.

Like this morning at the vets, i waited 30 minutes for my appointment, and then she told me The Hound was fat. I wasn't pleasant back to her, i was wrong, i have now have to go back and apologise. I hate that.

Then 2 brides emailed me this morning, one was Emily who i know very well, one was somebody i don't. They both got similar emails, that to all intense and purposes said:

I am going to ignore every word you say, because you are now only 3 days away from your wedding, and you are therefore irrational. All brides are. Don't worry about the flowers, let me do that, you should be worrying that you are about to commit yourself to a man for the rest of your life, and be drinking champagne.

Emily totally got it, the other bride, did too. Thank god.

I now need somebody to be a bitch to me, I am stressing that i still have nothing to wear to Emily's wedding, is he coming with me or not? Have you seen the price of flowers this week? The vet practically accused me of neglect, i have eaten many carbs before marbs.

Thankfully The Mother Hen is popping in. I am hoping for a slap, and a pull yourself together.

In other news, i have more medicine bottles, these have coloured liquids in. Let's not go there.

and copper pans, i hung up the rack, we are taking bets on how long before it comes crashing down, and also how much damage it does in the process. Science corner has become domestic science corner.

See Jenny, it's not always rainbows and butterflies here, don't be homesick. x


Jane Cardie said...

What a great post!! I think we all have an inner bitch who rears her head once in a while : )

Emily Quinton said...

It's my wedding in a few days. And you are a guest (as well as my treasured florist!). We have gin. Pick a handful of your beautiful dresses, pop them in a bag with your flip flops and wellies. And come and enjoy the party xxx

flwrjane said...

The Lab also went to the vet yesterday and we were told she was overweight and needed more exercise. I swear to God all we do is walk her. Ok and feed her but she is a Lab for God's sake.

Now you know why I always want to have a 2nd blog, the dark side blog, I want to call it Sweet But Bitchy.

join me?

xo J.

Becca said...

The Hound is not fat. My button just burst on the way to a very important meeting. I am late. I am fastened with safety pins. The bus driver just drove off and I said the F word infront of children and was just glared at by a parent. I was tempted to breathe out and pop her in the eye with another button.

Where is the god damn bus?

He will go otherwise we will lynch him.

You may not have a dress but I bet your shoes ROCK.

x x x

Anonymous said...

I love this post as that is exactly how I feel sometimes. Nice to know I am not the only one.

Great blog you made me smile and I am feeling pretty grouchy today so thank you

K x

Mrs B said...

OK Miss P, here goes....
You are tired from an early start and you currently stand in a shop full to busting of ridiculously expensive blooms (I know....todays excuse was cos there was a bank holiday on Monday....eh?). You have no more buckets to put anything in and there are some ridiculously annoying sales calls and customers in the shop who want a beautiful bouquet for about £6.

Just start making something....don't think about how it will be transported etc etc....Just make, and get something ticked off the list. It always feels better once you've started.

If in doubt, put your 'gone for cake & gin' sign on the door.

The vet can wait til next week, as can everyone else that isn't getting married on Saturday.....they will all forgive you.

He bloody well better be going - doesn't he know you need logistical support?

The Hound is NOT fat....possibly just a little squidgy and that's the best way to be anyway, we all know that.

And finally....as if anyone will notice what you're wearing with THOSE shoes and THAT pair (Mr F please note...another reason to attend)

I will lend you my family motto for the remainder of the week.....'we always get there'...corny but so very true.


Mrs Beard said...

The Hound is athletic. It would be completely horrible if you were all sweetness and light. I imagine some of your customers come in for the thrill of a potential disapproving glare.

I have sat all day taking minutes on car insurance in a Board meeting under the world's most enthusiastic air con vent.

After possibly one glass of wine too many with you yesterday (for a person who hadn't eaten all day).

Miss P needs a gallant weekend chauffeur - you know who you are.

The roses are beautiful, thank you.

Mrs T-J said...

Not a bitch at all, human I would say! Besides if anyone criticises my fur babies, give way to the rise of the she-devil complete with horns!

At such times a good tot of Hendricks will do you good, get it down yer neck, as my Dad always used to say. xxx

Anna Wilson-Patterson said...

Not entirely convinced that most people would say "That Miss Pickering is so sweet..." At least I hope not, I visit for opinions, dark humour and blog post titles that make me laugh out loud. Enjoy the gin with Emily.

Martin & the Magpie said...

ha!! there must be something in the air...the price of flowers is because of a dutch bank holiday...our supplier didn't turn up because of this but failed to inform us..i am about to go and cut down all the lavender in the garden and have a gin...coming over? x kay.

the veg artist said...

You were defending your own! There is a difference. Also, you may have been direct in your manner, but as this is my particular fault, I feel that life would be far more straightforward if more people were direct!

Jenny Rudd said...


Laura Coleman said...

I love your honesty. It should be admired in the same way your flowers are. Carry on.

PS Has The Hound got a view on his weight on 'Shop Dog' yet. I'm sure much hilarity will ensure when he writes his post.

Joan said...

Dear Miss Pickering, This evening at a very posh new convention center in downtown Ottawa, I shall graduate as a Florist after a year of study at Algonquin College. Your blog has been an inspiration to me long before I decided to return to school at age 55 to subject myself to cold temperatures (inside!!) and long hours on my feet working with sharp implements. And with glorious flowers and wonderful new friends! Thanks for a great blog on the ups and (sometimes) downs of being a florist. Now it's time for me to discover all that on my own! but I'll keep reading, too. Greetings to The Hound, Joan in Canada